Transforming Conflicts into Opportunities for Understanding
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The Four Faces of Face (5/15/08)
John Ng
This paper investigates the relationship between maintaining face and mediation and its effects on parties.
An Improbable Fairy Tale Of Alien Romance (5/12/08)
Deborah Sword
On a small lovely planet with a magenta sky and cinnamon flavored water, at least three social groups interact successfully.
Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask (5/12/08)
Bruce Derman, Wendy Gregson
This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.
Report from the Wingspread Conference on Domestic Violence and Family Courts (3/31/08)
Clare Dalton, Nancy Ver Steegh
In February of 2007 the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges and the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts brought together a working group of thirty-seven experienced practitioners and researchers to identify and explore conceptual and practical tensions that have hampered effective work with families in which domestic violence has been identified or alleged. Five central sets of issues were raised at the conference and are discussed in this report. These include the following: differentiation among families experiencing domestic violence; screening and triage; participation by families in various processes and services; appropriate outcomes for children; and family court roles and resources. The report emphasizes the need for continued multidisciplinary collaboration in order to better serve families affected by domestic violence and it includes an appendix of consensus points as well as suggestions for formation of ongoing work groups.
The Client-Centered Process: Common Ground for Mediators And Collaborative Professionals (2/25/08)
Chip Rose
In his “Letters to a Young Poet,” the Czech poet, Rainer Maria Rilke counsels a young man who sent some of his work to the aging artist seeking his opinion. In one of the most memorable portions of the correspondence, Rilke encouraged his young artist friend to find comfort by “living in the question”—trusting that to do so was a far more productive endeavor than obsessing about the answers. I cannot think of a more appropriate point of professional departure for those of us who work with interpersonal, relational conflict than to practice the art of “living in the question.”
Generational Negotiations (1/28/08)
Joshua N. Weiss
In this podcast Josh interviews Dr. Cathy Rodgers and Dr. Scott Mills, two generational negotiation experts. The three discuss the dynamics found in generational negotiations and some tips for how to manage them.
MP3 File
Resolve conflict in your marriage, live longer (1/28/08)
Diane J. Levin
A recent study shows that the upside of marital fighting is not just the makeup sex afterwards.
Couples in which both the husband and wife suppress their anger when one attacks the other die earlier than members of couples where one or both partners express their anger and resolve the conflict…
The study results suggest that good conflict resolution skills may be key, but the problem is that few people possess the proper training. According to the study’s lead author,
“When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict…Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that’s fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?”
The lesson? If you want to save your marriage and your health, learn conflict resolution skills.
Of War and Negotiation: Part 2: The Passion Play - Tolstoy’s War and Peace (1/21/08)
Robert Benjamin
“Well, Prince, so Genoa and Lucca are now just family estates of the Bonapartes. But I warn you, if you don’t tell me that this means war, if you still try to defend the infamies and horrors perpetrated by that Antichrist----I really believe he is Antichrist---I will have nothing more to do with you and you are no longer my friend....”/ (1805 Book One, Chapter 1. Anna Scherer’s soiree, War and Peace, L. Tolstoy, p. 3.) So begins Tolstoy’s masterpiece with Anna Pavlovna Scherer remarking to Prince Kuragin at her soiree in Moscow in 1805, her view of the then current Napoleonic rampage through Europe that was soon to be directed toward Russia. The tone of that conversation was not so different from one I had with ‘Anne’, a modern day stand-in for Tolstoy’s Anna, at a /petite soiree---/a holiday open-house--- 202 years later and half a world away in Portland, Oregon. Most conflicts, regardless of the circumstances or context, follow the same script, be they personal, geo-political, or business disputes. In one way or another, their substance is about money, property, power and control, or truth, honor, and justice. The character casting, drawn from the original passion play, are, of course, clearly drawn between the hero/victim and the antagonist evil-doer, or Antichrist.** As a negotiator....probably not unlike an entomologist’s fascination with the behavior of ants under attack, I began to listen more closely; not so much with the particulars of the storyline, but for clues about how, if at all, it might be possible to shift and re-direct her anger and frustration.
Mediation just a quarter of the cost of lawyer-to-lawyer settlements (1/21/08)
Geoff Sharp
Apparently David Hoffman's Boston Law Collaborative has analyzed 199 of its recent divorce cases, and found that mediation, collaborative divorce and litigation all produced high rates of successful settlement.
Mediation was by far the least expensive option, with a median cost of $6,600, compared to $19,723 for a collaborative divorce, $26,830 for settlements negotiated by rival lawyers, and $77,746 for full-scale litigation
Community Peace-maker: An Interview with John B. Stephens (1/14/08)
Gini Nelson
This is an interview by Gini Nelson of John B. Stephens. Among many accomplishments, John is co-author of Reaching for Higher Ground in Conflict Resolution and an associate professor at the School of Government, UNC-Chapel Hill. He has worked on education, land use, and environmental issues, and designed and facilitated dialogues on homosexuality and denominational policies in the United Methodist Church. He can be reached at www.ncpdr.unc.edu
Family Negotiations (1/08/08)
Phyllis Pollack
When asked the question, “are you a negotiator” most people answer, “no.” They do not realize that they are, indeed, negotiators and that they negotiate every day of their lives. They negotiate with their friends, family and strangers every day, about such mundane things as who will walk the dog, who will make the coffee, where and when to go to lunch, or dinner, what to bring to the party, and/or who will drive et cetera.
Rather, most of us think of “negotiation” in terms of “formal” disputes such as cases in court. But, as the above-examples show, we shouldn’t. There will be times when we will have to negotiate seriously with friends and family. When that occurs, a few helpful hints will come in handy.
In the December 2007 issue of Negotiation (Vol. 10, No. 12), the author discusses “Negotiating with those who matter most.” Four handy tips are proffered: (1) Capitalize on benefits; (2) Anticipate complications, (3) Allow feelings to surface; and (4) Seek outside help.
With respect to the first – capitalize on benefits – use the fact that you have shared experiences with the other party. Such shared experience provides a great deal of knowledge that can enhance your negotiation. “Negotiators with close ties tend to cooperate rather than compete.” (Id.)
The second tip – anticipate complications – focuses on the fact that “negotiating friends and relatives tend to avoid conflict rather than confront it.” (Id.) Rather than engage in such avoidance techniques, “take time to agree on the norms, standards, principles, and processes that will guide your interaction” before you start that process. (Id.)
The third point – allow feelings to surface – ties in with the second point. Again, friends and relatives tend to sweep negative emotions under the rug. Fight this inclination and instead use your emotions to improve the relationship and to create resolution by satisfying everyone’s interests.
Finally, at certain times, you have to willing to concede that outside help is needed. The use of an independent financial advisor, real estate person, therapist or mediator may be necessary to resolve the impasse. “Sometimes, the smartest option is to recognize the difficulty of negotiating rationally and to turn over some degree of control to an outside party.” (Id.)
. . . Just something to think about.
Making Referrals To Divorce Mediation (12/31/07)
Georgia Daniels
Frequently, marriage and family therapists may sense that a couple is headed toward divorce, but feel unprepared to recommend divorce mediation because they are unfamiliar with the potential benefits of mediation for their clients. This article introduces the referring professional to the benefits of divorce mediation, gives an overview of the process, provides criteria to look for when making referrals, and discusses how to best support clients who continue in therapy while the mediation is in progress.
Families in Conflict: A Holiday Super-Challenge! (12/31/07)
Jan Frankel Schau
The holidays present an extra special time of family conflict for so many of us. Children don't grow up expecting this as adults, but as I age I learn that our family is not alone in this dynamic. It's a time when expectations run high and memories deep. Last weekend, I took on an informal mediation between my husband and his mother to see if I could orchestrate a truce or at least change the dynamic between them so that next year may bring a less stressful holiday season. What I am discovering, as I go through the process, is that it takes a super skilled mediator to "self-mediate". While I profess not to take sides in this conflict, and indeed, objectively see both sides of the issues, the very nature of creating the environment (we've decided on neutral territory--neither one's home) and the timing (we've decided on dinner on New Year's Day--instead of Christmas) is a challenge. I'm curious whether any of my readers have attempted self-mediation within the family, or whether I am the only one who belongs to a family who doesn't live life in perfect harmony. Your thoughts and insights are welcome this time. This Christmas, Schau's Mediation Insights need you to contribute! May you be blessed with abiding peace, challenges and triumphs and above all gratitude!
P.S.: For those of you who have noticed, I took a few months "sabbatical" from blogging--having disclosed a few too many details about a mediation which I found challenging...but I'm back! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all.
Divorce-proof your Marriage with Mediators (12/31/07)
Dina Beach Lynch
December is the most popular month for popping the question, which fills this mediator with loads of holiday cheer. Why? A skillful family or marriage mediator can build a practice by assisting couples to answer the second big question: I will, then what?
According to a Boston Globe article, couples, who were once surrounded my family and friends who could offer marriage advice, now need a different kind of support system to navigate the challenges of learning to live together and be happily married. Social workers like Mimi Licht counsel couples before they get married.
And, mediators like Laurie Israel of Brookline, MA who specializes in helping married couples negotiate better, can be part of that support, too. In fact, if I recall correctly, I blogged about the wedding opportunity a year ago. When you consider that almost half of all marriages end in divorce and that the average cost for a wedding has now risen to $30K, it seems very likely that couples (and their bill-paying parents) are ready to invest in this kind of wedding planning.
If you're interested in learning more about this emerging field, here are some suggestions:
- Reach out your local family mediation council or association for social workers to investigate the market further
- Identify a local service provider: therapist, wedding shop, event planner, who may want to expand their services and partner with you
- Consider joining our Family Learning Circle- our first topic for discussion is Marriage Mediation lead by Mediator Ned Busch on Jan. 4th at 11 a.m. PST/2 p.m. EST
- Listen to a Day in the Life of an attorney and therapist mediation team, Diana Mercer and Tara Fass on Monday, Feb. 11th. Sign up here
Try. Fail. Learn. Grow!
Dina
Take this Idea, Pls: Wrap up the 'Sandwich Generation' (11/27/07)
Dina Beach Lynch
34 million people in this country are getting squeezed- and we can help.
Called the 'sandwich generation', these folks wrestle with the huge task of caring for both their children and their aging parents while working full-time, according to a recent MSNBC article.
This is a growing trend, folks, that bears watching. The US Census predicts that the elderly population will double to 70 million by 2030. I can imagine a plethora of opportunities to assist families to make decisions, explore options and meaningfully resolve disputes about care, contribution and assets. According to Andy Cohen, founder of Caring.com, a new website that caters to sandwich caregivers, the market potentially represents up to 100 million dollars annually.
To learn more about the interests and needs of this emerging niche, I recommend ...say it with me now: research.
Visit portal blog sites like icerocket.com or technorati.com to find blogs in this arena. A good google search for websites on aging and 'baby boomers' couldn't hurt. And, don't forget to find a forum or three to join so you can get an insiders view.
Then start reading! I'm sure you'll find unique ways that you can serve this client base and distinguish mediation from the other resources available.
As always if anyone takes up this idea I'd love to get a note!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Dina
PS We're launching a Family Mediation Learning Circle on Dec. 10th for our members. Learning Circles bring like-minded practitioners from across the country together to brainstorm ideas, offer resources and network on marketing to families. You can learn more at ADRPracticebuilder.com.
Labels: Take This Idea
Collaborative Law – The Magic of Counterpart Counsel (11/26/07)
Laurie Israel
At some point during a divorce process, everyone meets -- there is a four-way meeting of the divorcing parties and their attorneys. In a litigated case, the first in-person four-way meeting might be at a court hearing on a motion, or at the pre-trial conference with the judge. This meeting might occur after many negative experiences with the opposing side. These include depositions, discovery of documents, letters by opposing counsel (forwarded by a party’s own counsel) and reports of negotiations between counsel and/or demands and ultimatums on very painful points. There may be no history of collaborative work between the attorneys on behalf of their parties, and there is no guarantee that this first four-way meeting will be anything but unpleasant.
Using Email In Couples Counselling (11/20/07)
Colin Rule
Great new article from ADR pioneer David Hoffman on Mediate.com today. From the conclusion: "Because email is such a new medium {...}the techniques for successful communication via computer may be less intuitive and require more conscious attention...
Experience suggests that there is considerable potential in email communications for both misunderstanding and enhanced understanding. As Collaborative Practitioners, we have the added benefit of working on cases with colleagues who join forces with us in trying to achieve higher levels of understanding in all of our communications – in person as well as in cyberspace. By adding more effective email communication to our toolbox, we can achieve higher level of collaboration and thus better results for our clients."
I think this is a watershed moment, when leading "face-to-face" dispute resolution practitioners are writing articles that could have been written by ODR practitioners just a few years ago. Jim Melamed always said that one day in the future, if you squinted your eyes just a little bit, ODR and ADR would become indistinguishable. This article is an indication that the day may have arrived where that is becoming true.
Forget Harmony, Settle for Peace (11/19/07)
Gary Direnfeld
An oft-common mistake working with high conflict separated parents is to move them towards getting along and working cooperatively for the well-being of their children. It is a lofty and noble goal unfortunately far beyond the grasp of folks who would likely prefer to see the other disappear for a more immediate and permanent solution to the conflict. The more they are pushed together, the more intense the conflict.
Situación de los Puntos de Encuentro Familiar en España (11/12/07)
Franco Conforti
Sabido es para los aquí presentes que las formulas tradicionales de resolver los conflictos de pareja, llámense estas formas separación o divorcio han mostrado en algunos casos, retardo, ineficacia, inequidad, etc.; en ocasiones ello a alimentado al litigio, prolongando el conflicto en el tiempo y deteriorando o atentando a que los hijos logren relacionarse de forma igual y/o equilibrada con sus padres, llegando a extremos de forzarlos (cuando cuentan con edad suficiente para hacerlo) a elegir con cual de sus progenitores relacionarse.
Subpoena of Mediator Upheld in New York (10/31/07)
Keith Seat
A New York appellate court upheld the subpoena of a mediator in a one-paragraph opinion in Hauzinger v. Hauzinger, despite the confidentiality agreement signed by the parties. Noting that that parties had not been represented by counsel in the mediation of a separation agreement, the opinion explained that the issue before the court was whether the separation agreement terms were “fair and reasonable,” so it was not an abuse of discretion for the trial judge to refuse to quash the subpoena. Moreover, the appellate court was not swayed by the confidentiality provisions of the Uniform Mediation Act, since New York has not adopted the Act and the court did not find it a matter of public policy.
Hauzinger v. Hauzinger, 43 A.D.3d 1289, 842 N.Y.S.2d 646 (NY App. 4th, Sept. 28, 2007) (Subscription Required)
Mediation Defense Fails to Prevent Criminal Penalties Flowing from Unauthorized Practice of Law in Canada (10/31/07)
Keith Seat
A paralegal was sentenced to four months of house arrest for contempt of court in Ontario after violating a permanent injunction prohibiting the practice of law. The paralegal unsuccessfully asserted that she was merely involved in mediation, which is not regulated, because she advertised that she could prepare legal documents and provide services relating to uncontested divorces.
Law Times (October 15, 2007)
A Practical Process for Reciprocal Negotiation (10/29/07)
Trip Barthel
Reciprocal negotiation is a practical process that allows each party to recognize more deeply their role in the situation, the needs of the other party and their mutual obligations. Reciprocal negotiation is based on empathy, options and reciprocity. It is a process that allows parties to explore their future in a more complete way and identify areas of agreement and areas of concern in a more focused approach. This process has aspects of problem solving mediation, with its ability to generate options, and transformative mediation, with its ability to recognize and empower the parties.
Tips For Parents Engaged In The Collaborative Family Law Process (10/29/07)
Gay Cox, Honey Sheff
You are to be commended for choosing Collaborative Practice as the means to solve any problems that you and your children’s other parent might have because you decided to separate. It is evident that you want the best possible outcome for your children and see this as a means of achieving it. Based on experience with families who select this method of problem-solving, it is apparent that they tend to have some very important common values and goals. It may be helpful to you to learn what parents who have been successful in accomplishing these goals have used as their strategies.
Jim Melamed is 2007 Recipient of ACR John Haynes Distinguished Mediator Award: A Tribute and Lament on the Field of Mediation (10/23/07)
Robert Benjamin
Writing this tribute to Jim Melamed is an honor, even if a troubling one. On the one hand, there could not be a more fitting recipient for this particular award, named for John Haynes, than Jim Melamed, the CEO and co-founder with John Helie of Mediate.com. The work for which both the recipient and the namesake of this award are known highlights what has been most compelling and important about the field of conflict mediation. On the other hand, this award can also not help but highlight the ebbing of the energy that first gave rise to mediation practice and a falling away from some of the first principles. What John Haynes was, and Jim Melamed continues to be, is a tireless entrepreneur doing the critically important work of selling mediation in a culture that does not exactly welcome the idea of negotiating differences with open arms.
FAQs About Mediation To Stay Married (10/07/07)
Laurie Israel
Mediation to Stay Married (also known as Marital Mediation) is a method of helping couples who are experiencing marital problems and would prefer to stay together rather than get divorced. This article answers common questions about the process